the grease seeps through the “lined” cardboard box, the half-eaten burger within long forgotten, now cold, the cheese shiny and hard, as though it had never been melted.
my phone screen lights up for the upteenth time, messages from family groups, sharing their joy, sharing important information, just sharing. i hear it buzz yet again, and my chest stings. i’m not there. this is the only connection i have to anything familiar. and yet i don’t want to see it.
it’s really difficult leaving behind everyone and everything that you know. but it’s somehow more difficult coming back to it all.
there is no “winning” at life. there’s no end goal, there’s only moments, fleeting and painstakingly long, and then it’s all over. what happens next is up to your belief system, but i’m not here to get into that i’m here to make sense of the moments.
a moment that happened about a month ago, on a video call with no video, with a lump in my throat and tear stains on my cheeks, where i quit my job. it was a long time coming, and yet it feels like i’m no longer drowning, but i still can’t breathe. i know it’s ridiculous to make your job your personality, but i really enjoy what i do, and it’s always felt surreal to be able to say that i write for a living. now with five days left, and no plan because all i keep getting are emails informing me that they will not be moving forward, i’m starting to panic. i don’t like unemployment, i feel useless and worthless, and to my dismay, i continue to live in a world that only cares about how much i make. or rather, how much i’m able to spend. i’m tired and i’m angry, and most of all i’m really, really sad. sad that i don’t live near my family, sad that it would probably be worse if i did live near my family, sad that i don’t have a plan, sad that AI has wrecked the world and definitely my place in it, just profoundly sad. in my bones, in my soul.
my phone screen lights up. another slew of messages and pictures and smiling faces and important voice notes. my soggy burger beckons. the next buzz is more urgent than the previous; the push notification reads “we appreciate your interest but..”